Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam

Last week I did a terrible thing. A despicable thing for which I feel really guilty.

I spammed everybody in my address book.

Spam? What's that then?

Spam n. [SP(ICED + H)AM] Proprietary name for a tinned meat product consisting chiefly of ham. Also loosely, any tinned luncheon meat. Oxford English Dictionary

What does that have to do with your address book?

Oh, sorry. Try this instead:

Spam vt.,vi.,n. [from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"] To mass-mail unrequested identical or nearly-identical email messages, particularly those containing advertising. The New Hacker's Dictionary

Now do you understand? I spammed everybody I knew. And it's Themestream's fault. I mailed all my friends and begged them to them to read my first article. Just for a few measly dimes. I feel so cheap and dirty. Mind you, I got a pretty good return from my spam: 45% of the people I mailed actually did read the article. Professional spammers would kill for returns like that!

So why is spam such a bad thing then?

Well, spam is just like junk mail. Don't you just hate junk mail? The way it fills up your door mat every morning? Do you ever even open it? Well, junk e-mail is a million times worse. Why? Well, consider that many people pay by the minute for their Internet connections. That means you pay for every e-mail that you receive. Yes, it's a tiny amount per e-mail. But you're still paying. Paying to read advertisements that you never asked for. Not very fair is it?

How can I recognise spam then?

Spam comes in a number of forms. Usually, the spammers are trying to get you to look at their Web sites. You can recognise this form of spam by its distinctive subject lines:

1000's of free XXX pics!

Or perhaps:

FREE MP3 DOWNLOADS!

If you're looking for free pornographic pictures or music files, you might think that these spammers are doing you a service by telling you where their Web sites are. But think again! These guys are only in it for the money. As soon as you arrive at their "free xxx pics" site, they hit you with a credit card request. Just for age verification, of course! Their free trial will only cost you $1.99^*

^*Price for a three day trial. You will automatically be charged the full rate of $99 per month when your trial period expires, unless you e-mail got-you-sucker@moneybags.com to cancel your subscription.

Get the idea?

Once you've seen a few e-mails like this, you learn to delete them without even reading them. So then the spammer gets more creative. Their subject lines now read:

Hi again! Here are those files you asked me about

So you think, "this must be somebody I know" (you e-mail so many people, you lose track of who's who), and you open the e-mail. Guess what the message says?

1000's of free XXX pics!

So after a while, you learn to delete everything that doesn't come from an address you know. Now you're safe, right? No! Because your friend spams you with requests to read his article on Themestream! What an idiot!

So spam is all commercial advertising, then?

Nope. There are also chain letters. These are incredibly annoying, because they turn normally sane people completely irrational. Somebody (with too much time on their hands and no sense of responsibility) starts an e-mail that reads something like this:

Follow these instructions and good luck will come your way! This really works! I followed them and now I have a million dollars, my pointy-haired boss died, I married a Swedish masseuse, and my acne cleared up!
All you have to do is count to 10, make a wish, and forward this e-mail to 10 friends. Your wish will come true! Guaranteed!

So what happens when you receive this e-mail? You forward it to ten friends. Hello??? Do you believe for one minute that these instructions will work? Or do you just like annoying your friends? Sometimes, people add their own comments to the top of these e-mails before they forward them on:

I know it's not very likely but what do I have to lose?

Apart from the respect of your friends whose time you just wasted, and who now know how gullible you are? Nothing!

But what if you discover something really important? Shouldn't you use e-mail to share it with as many people as possible?

Oh no. Now we come to the worst form of chain spam. The well-intentioned-but-stupid hoax virus warning. You receive an e-mail which reads something like this:

Important! This is not a hoax! Microsoft® have discovered a new computer virus and they want to warn as many people as possible. This is a brand new virus and it is very destructive. Pass this warning on to everybody in your address book. [There follows a long description of this "virus".]

Despite the numerous flaws in the logic of this e-mail, and the many technical reasons why the virus described cannot possibly exist, people insist on sending it to everybody in their address book. Think about it: a virus is something that spreads indiscriminately from computer to computer, evading all security precautions. Just like. . . well, just like this warning e-mail really! Think about it for a second. . . and promise me that you will never ever pass on a virus warning. Even if you think it's real. Even if it is real!

Well, that's enough of a rant on spam. If you want to read more about spam and how to avoid it, try these Web sites:
www.stopspam.org
Fight Spam on the Internet

Here is a useful book all about, bizarrely, spiced ham in a can:
Spam: A biography

And this is essential reading for a proper understanding of how annoying spam can be:
The Infamous Monty Python Spam Skit!

Spam. Just Say No.

Thanks for listening. And I'm really sorry about the spam, ok?

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