Santa Stop Here

The world is suddenly full of small wooden plaques.

You've probably seen them. A red octagonal sign attached to a two-foot wooden stake. The sign reads Santa Stop Here .

[I know many of my readers are American, but I assume that these things are not a purely British phenomenon. They were probably invented in America and imported over here.]

People stick them in their front lawns. I saw the first one two or three years ago and I thought it was a cute idea. Now it's been done to death. I see them sprouting outside every third house and it's becoming silly. Why are they there? Where do they come from? You mean people pay money for these "decorations"? Good grief.

There are some fundamental flaws in the idea of these signs. Discounting the fact that it's just one more indication of the ludicrous over-commercialisation of Christmas, the signs are just plain bad and stupid.

Why are they bad? Well, look, you can't just order Santa around. Santa Stop Here ? Don't we teach our children to say "please" any more?

[Note: since I wrote this, I've seen a couple of the signs which do include the word "please". But it's in a smaller, low-contrast typeface and appears to be added as an afterthought.]

Even if you add "please", that's not the point. Santa doesn't stop at your request.

If you've been a good boy or girl, Santa will stop at your house. If you haven't, he won't. That's all there is to it. Stop signs won't help. If you've been naughty, well, tough. Crying about it now won't help.

Why are they stupid? Well, for pete's sake it's only two feet high and it's stuck in your front yard. Santa's sleigh flies! He comes down the chimney! How's he going to see an itty-bitty sign stuck by your front door? Good grief.

Santa is cruising at 20,000 feet, pulled by his loyal flying reindeer (Rudolph and . . . um . . . Groucho and Harpo and Chico I think) and how do you think he's going to see a tiny sign down in your front yard? Does he have CIA surveillance technology???

Look, Santa's a busy man. He's already decided who's been good and who's been bad (he just knows, ok?) and he trusts his reindeer (Rudolph, John, Paul, George and Ringo . . . um . . . ) to guide him to the right houses.

Rudolph does not stop for stop signs.

Picture the scene: Christmas Eve, light cloud cover gleams like silver in the moonlight. There's a blur of red, high above the chimney tops. Look! Reindeer! (That's Rudolph and . . . um . . . Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.) Good ol' Santa is about his work. Suddenly, Rudolph spots something way down below!

Rudolph: Hey Santa! Stop sign at number 22!

Santa: Ah, that will be little Tommy Smith. [Consults list] No, he's been a bad boy this year!

Rudolph: But Santa! They've got a Stop sign!

Santa: So? We only visit good children. On Rudolph! On . . . um . . . Curly! On Larry! On Moe! We have work to do!

[Exit Santa, searching for good children.]

Little Tommy Smith [in tears on Christmas morning]: Santa didn't stop at my house! But we had a sign!

Reindeer [now acting as a kind of Greek chorus]: Well, Duh.

Not a happy picture, is it? Poor little Tommy.

Santa comes to good children. It's not just the law, it's good sense. It's a moral lesson. People get what they deserve. Be good and others will be good to you. Give and you shall receive.

Stop ordering Santa around. More importantly, stop telling children that Santa can be ordered around. And if you have one of those little signs in your front garden, please burn it before next Christmas.

Oh, and for the sceptics among you, yes Santa is real. I know because I saw him. It was 30 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. Santa is real and he still leaves presents for me every year because I'm a good boy.

From myself, Santa, Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, have a happy, safe, and peaceful holiday season. And remember: Santa doesn't stop existing when you become an adult. Santa only stops existing if you stop being a child.

<-Index